Yoga/ Spirituality does not equal Esoterism Part I

Five years ago I broke up with my boyfriend, went to Rishikesh and explored the practice of Yoga. It changed my life. Ever since I am totally in sync with my inner goddess, I feel enlightened and also I am a vegan chick that frequently attends PETA demonstrations. I wear a crystal stone necklace that has been given to me by my guru after a meditation ceremony at the Ganges River, but mostly so everybody can see what a hippie I am.

Insert alarm bells. That´s a complete lie. THANK GOD.

Wow, you are still here reading this? Thanks, that means you are aware of the fact that yoga doesn´t only apply to the stereotyped spiritual or wannabe-spiritual person in a midlife crisis, but to any individual kind of person who is seeking for a deep physical and spiritual practice. Spirituality does not nessecarily equal esoterism.

I have been practising yoga for five years and I love it. I love it for so many reasons and I want to dedicate a little time to talk about it because I feel like even though Yoga has become well-known in western countries ages ago and has gotten super hip since people started waking up and engaging in a holistic approach to their lifestyle, there are still many stereotypes and prejudices against it that I´m not d´accord with.

Yoga-practice is scientifically proven beneficial on so many levels from healing physical injuries to reduce physical and emotional stress, building strength and flexibility, it helps you get a fit and healthy body to not only look good but actually rejuvenate your whole system from blood-cells to your organs, strenghen your muskles and joints, and the list continues... Furthermore it is a key-practice to spiritual growth.

I personally do have an issue with concentrating on stuff and having a constantly ongoing mind and tend to over-think, so Yoga helps me to shut off my mind completely and just be with the practice, feel my body and be totally present with a quiet mind. No Ritalin required. Whenever I feel stressed, imbalanced or moody I go to class and it works its magic, every single time. (Okay, sometimes I have a chocolate bar instead, it works its magic too, right on my spare tyre).

There are many different styles and they are all great. I have come to focus on Vinyasa Flow, Ashtanga and Bikram since they just make me feel the best and fit me the most.

I enjoy doing different styles because they work on different parts of the body and mind. So Vinyasa helps me keep a relaxed mind and helps me decompress, Bikram on the other hand supports my focus and ambition on things and satisfies my need for physical exertion.

Vinyasa is more of a gentle kind and once the training is done I feel totally relaxed and strong at the same time, at peace and humbled. Bikram though is like military-boot-camp. First time I went to a Bikram class I just wanted to die and actually had to throw up. In my case the instructor would be an american super hot and ridiculously tough and rigorous chick that will scream at you as soon as you´d even start to think about not flexing your toes perfectly while your leg is somewhere up there, sweat is dripping down your nose and your standing leg is shaking like it will break any second. Once you have gotten through the class though you feel the rejuvinating effect kicking in instantly and can be proud of yourself for not being a lazy bum also. It´s like sweet hell and you´ll hate or you´ll love it.

When I was travelling in Asia I was practising almost everyday for 1.5 up to 4 hours a day (except for that time in Thailand when I strained my ankle and Bali got me a little distracted at times also...). I could feel how I have gotten more and more in tune with the practice and it felt amazing to see and feel how the body reacts and improves day by day. I guess that´s another part about Yoga that I love. It´s not about mastering the most crazy postures imediately but about your individual healing and strengthening progress, it doesn´t matter if it takes months and years for you to bring your hands to the floor or master a headstand because the practice itself, the commitment and the discipline is what it´s about. I´m fully aware that I´m not the fittest, strongest or most flexible Yogi but it doesn´t matter because I feel the progress my body is making step by step and the effect I get out of it on an emotional and spiritual level and that itself is amazing to me.

So yes. Yoga is awesome and it definitely doesn´t have to be seen as either some weird hippie shit or as a strict spiritual doctrine that one has to follow. I enjoy Yoga, I enjoy eating healthy and taking care of myself and I do focus on spiritual growth but I also enjoy going to techno parties, sometimes look like a girlie girl and have a steak. Generalizing and strict ideas about something/someone never apply. :)

There will be a second part following up soon, that will be a bit more specific about the practices so stay tuned.

I will go light an inscent now. Ohm shanti shanti. Just kidding. Will light something else though. Uuupward facing dog, dooownward facing daawg... XX

Be careful what you wish for

In my latest blog I was writing about how to not always know what we want, so in this blog I am going to talk about something that´s quite the opposite- and that is our desires. Desire is the strongest energy that drives us. It is our vital life force so if there is no desire, there is nothing but stagnation. To put it at its simplest: Desire is the active process of living, it´s our evolutionary impulse. Desire comes in a wide variety of different natures, pooled in three different types, I would say: sexual desire, emotional desire and materialistic desire.

The top-line motivation for all our desires is one simple thing- the pursuit of happiness. At the end of the day everybody just wants to be happy. Simple as that. Right? Right. Buddhist and Hindu practices have been talking about desire as a thing we should overcome, because that´s the thing that causes us our suffering. Actually though desire has to be in our system for us to move forward, otherwise we would not be on an evolutionary path (and life would be so darn boring, too. Cheers to hedonism.) Desire just has this bad rep because we think it is only object-seeking and as I said before because it´s causing us pain, but if you look at it from another angle it´s obviously only causing us pain once we have hopped on the wheel of hope and fear and went for the dependend relationship between our inner self and the desires we have. Like they magically have to make us happy and nurture that longing. 

So Tantra and eastern philosphy say there is a whole topic of how to actually not go for satisfaction of that desire, but learn how to just be with it instead. Apparently we will come to realize that it´s the sensation of the desire itself that´s nourishing that hunger inside us, not the actual satisfaction of the desire. In that case the idea would be to separate the impulse of desire from the idea of that we have to have the object of desire and therefore kill the ignition. Also, to separate the symbol (I want the money, I want the relationship, I want the plane ticket to Bali) from the deeper underlying wish (I want to be happy, I want to be fulfilled). I guess it´s like the moment before that first kiss. It´s the moment when ignition start burning up inside you and you know it will take you somewhere. I´m not going deeper into this though because it would just break the mould for now and also I honestly am not at that point yet that I would have internalized this fully. Not all all, actually for now I am all for just going for it!

We act on our desires individually, to put it the buddhist way there is three different ways we approach our desire: Passion, aggression and ignorance. So passion obviously would be to go for it, grab it and own it, aggression would manifest itself through demonizing the object/person/idea of desire and pushing that thing/person/idea away and last but not least ignorance would appear by being unclear and not actually really knowing what you want respectively staying passive and not pursuing it. (Something/Someone better could come along, right? What if I get hurt or don´t even want it any more once I have it?) Desire is nothing we decide ourself, it´s something that takes us, it just happens in us. So we can either follow it (passion), turn it down (aggression) or not be able to decide (ignorance).

Ok so there is more, obviously it´s not that easy. We do have competing desires. There are unconscious shadow desires running in our lives in opposite to those tangible and conscious desires, and those are the ones getting in our way. We actually have a whole other matrix of unconscious desires operating from outside our awareness distracting and misleading us from that golden thread.

We are always being driven by desire and we are always in alignment with our desire, but we don´t always consciously know what our desire is, actually. Our lives are mostly the way they are because our desire had them be that way. True story. How can that be, right? What kind of an idiot would say that, since obviously so many things in our lives are totally not the way we want them to be...grouch grouch, meh. Well, you can send your fuck-you card to your competing desire. They come up all over the place, so when you have two or more desires (most of the time they tend to be radically contrary) the most powerful desire wins.

I will try to get more eidetic and give you a true-to-live-example:

For me personally there is on the one hand the desire to be out there in the world, participate, engage and connect, and then there is a competing desire sometimes also to basically live like a hermit in total silence and total disconnection from the world. They seem to be competing in the beginning, but once they have found their own voice, they will get much more cooperative with each other and sometimes the dynamic tension is not as tense as we think and sometimes they actually can co-exist next to each other very well and can hybrid with each other.

Another competing desire of mine is the wish for a nourishing , caring and loving relationship and on the other side the wish for independence, freedom and travelling. They seem to be competing and contrary also, but even that can be managed – that person just has to have similar desires so they can hybrid naturally and be then beneficial for both. (Talking theoretically here, if you find him, ring a bell. haha)
Also I think it´s question of what type of character you are. I personally have to have these polarities in my life, that´s how I function, it´s in my nature to live in extremes and that´s probably why many of those desires that seem to be competing and paradox actually still can coexist peacefully next to each other, because the one desire feeds the other and the other way around.

If there are competing desires that cannot co-exist, it seems like it´s causing issues for us. In order to suss that out we have to be dead-honest with ourselfes and find out what´s our topline desire. (Blue pill or red pill?)

Your topline desire is the biggest thing you can think of. That something you stand for in life, that something that seem to be the key to your own happiness. (is it love and relationship? Is it tranquillity and peace? Is it absolute non-attachment and freedom?) If you have got that figured out and not have gotten fooled by some other subliminal and/or unconscious desires, it will help you guide you through competing desires.

So how do we do that? Let them be there for some time, hold them and be aware of them without trying to suppress the tension they are causing and then listen to your inner you and eliminate all those (false or contrary) desires that mislead you from that one big desire that drives you, that is your elementary life force. So once you found clarity about your main desire, you will come to see what other desires are holding you back from it and preventing you from getting closer to it. It can be seen  as a filter-mechanism, once your topline desire is clear, you can put your energy towards that topline desire and not get distracted from all those other desires. That can be done by bringing your subliminal desires to consciousness and then understand how they operate and how they drive your decisions, fears and longings. Also it might be a good start to just accept that there will always be some paradoxical energy of competing desires and their dynamic tension will always be there. That´s theoretically too though, because it´s easier said then done of course.

I will go for a cup of tea now, desire and satisfaction, easy.

Yes, no, maybe, I don´t know

In western society we are always expected to know exactly what we want. Which ice-cream flavour we like, what social scene we feel related to, what job we want, what goals and believes we want to pursue, you name it. If we can´t answer those and similar questions, it equals weakness and lack of character. (That especially applies to the ice-cream question, of course.)

As soon as you cross that bridge into your twenties, society expects you to know who you are, what you want and where you see yourself in 10 years. Literally. (That also makes Christmas at grandma´s as a single without an exact on-paper future plan for the next 10 years super fun.)

It´s perfectly human to pursue fulfillment and happyness, wonder about our own existence and purpose in life, true to the philosophical questions of life “ Who am I and if so, how many?” (Ouch, R. D. Precht sounds like an over used motivational tumblr quote now) but it´s also perfectly human to not have a paper-perfect answer right away, but we get frustrated with ourselves when we realize there is still some unclear business we stumble over during that crazy little thing called “growing up”. We are being constantly compared to our fellow students, colleagues, siblings and the girls/guys next to us. I´m going to say something that will sound like a Katy Perry song and you might want to throw up a little in your mouth, but anyway, here it goes: Don´t you ever compare yourself to someone else, because it´s like trying to fit a triangle into a circle. You are X, therefore you are not Y. Sheep flocks suck anyway. Except for actual sheeps. End of story.

Since it´s in my nature to always dig a little deeper and aspire I most of the time actually know what I want and what direction I want to follow, but there are of course still some blank papers and unanswered questions. Only like a million. Duh. So lately I came to appreciate the obscurities though. I´m even a firm believer that the twenties are there to teach us what we actually don´t want, don´t like, don´t want to be and don´t agree on. It´s a process of culling. So pick up that spade and don´t be afraid to find a lot of bullshit you feel like throwing out. You will find some gold below. Probably. 

May it be that ex- girl/boyfriend that taught you what kind of person you do not want to be with, may it be that job that teaches you what you definitely do not want to be spending your time with working on, or may it be that city you´re living in that you do not want to make your long-term home.

Knowing exactly what you don´t want helps you create space for everything you actually do want. It´s like throwing out trash before buying something new. 

Take it easy babes and don´t forget to take out the trash. xx

A Picture speaks a thousand words

A picture speaks a thousand words, they say. I don´t think pictures speak louder then words, but
they definitely speak for them self.
Lately my camera has become my significant other, I took her almost wherever I went and
sometimes just even went somewhere to take photos. Street-photography and people shots appeal
the most to me, even though it´s one of the hardest kinds of photography and I basically don´t know
shit about it. I have always loved to observe people. I basically am that weird girl sitting in a cafe or
on a park bench, observing people passing by and wondering what they are about. Taking pictures
of people I most of the time don´t know is really exciting to me. I found myself
creeping around, hiding behind my camera Homo-Faber style and trying to get a shot of people I
found interesting- Most of them were immigrants, homeless people and Children.
I decided to pursue my passion for writing and photography and take it to the next level, so I will
sign up with MatadorU (world wide biggest online travel magazine) for the online travel journalism
course. YEEW! I know that I am at the very start and have to learn so much more about
photography and writing since I am just an amateur with a passion so I can´t wait to get the course
started. I think I have quite fine intuition for a good photograph, but there is definately a huge lack of technical knowledge and equipment so throughout the course I want to focus on learning alot about technical stuff, use of light and getting more depth into my photos through knocking out the background f.e. etc.
So none of those are perfect, but no one has ever improved by withdrawing and hiding in the closet, right?

Most of my facebook friends who follow me probably know some of those photos already, but
since I have got readers from all over the world from Serbia to Bosnia to France to Australia, Indonesia, the
USA and UK to Libanon and Iran (The Internet and its reach is a crazy little thing!) I will post them up here
to share with all of you guys.
At this point I want to say thanks to all of you who read my blog, it really means a lot to me and
every click and/or comment makes me more than happy!
Also I want to thank my producers, my family, god and my fans also, without you I would not have
made it. - I´m just kidding but seriously, thank you. I will shut up now.

Girl playing with doll in the streets. Could have watched her forever, too cute to be true.

She is loving the attention now. Such a little tease

Her name is Vila, she is a beggar I regularly converse with. She usually asks for supplies from the supermarket and I´m happy to get them for her. Cheeky business lady right there. Coolest gold teeth also.

Immigrants. Child with special needs and teddy bear.

The mother gave me permission through eyecontact to take a photo of them. The little one didn´t even seem to realize what I was doing, she was posing in proud silence.

She. Has been my dearest friend for 18 years and always will be.Truly beautiful inside and out.(Insert violins playing)

Another one. Melancholy suits you well!

Squeezebox. Tourists love him, he loved the camera.

The antithesis of freedom

Lately I have been thinking a lot about freedom and what it actually really means (to me).
We all want to be free, right? To be free is one of the essential human desires. Free from any kind of suppression, free from addictions, free from (false) believes, free from social and cultural standards and free from fear.
Then again there is a bunch of stuff that seems to keep us from freedom, like financial issues,
co-dependant inter-personal relationships, society, legal rules and rights and our own mind also, for that matter...(our mind often is a crazy little fuck-head that´s  trying to lie to us and feed our fears.)

What does it mean to be free? Is it that money that allows us to live our life how we´d like to? Is it that confidence that allows us to act and shape our lifestyle and path how we want it to be? Is it our alleged free will? Is there a free will at all? Okay blah, this is getting way to philosophical and out of reach here...
What does it take for you to be and feel free?

What´s clear is, that fear and addictions definitely prevent us from being free. Fear and addictions trap uns. They prevent uns from growing and living a happy, satsfied, fullfilled and free live. Fear and addictions are the antithesis of freedom. 

There are more obvious fears and addictions like fear of bugs, fear of barking dogs and fear of heights or addictions to drugs, adrenaline and sex. Other fears and addictions are less pronounced though, less obvious. Like fear of loss and rejection or addictions to work, love and self-affirmation.

So where is the line here? When does one have just a really good work-ethic and when is one addicted to staying busy? When does one have an open heart and is an lover of life and when is one addicted to be loved by everyone around them? When does one just simply enjoy a good glass of wine four times a week and when is one an alcoholic?

There comes a double-standard also pretty easily along. Doing yoga on a regular level and eating organic, but lighting up that cigarette an hour later. Loving family, friends and lovers unconditionally but then subconsciously expecting them to love you back the same way. Considering yourself an honest person but then lying to your professor about that essay you didn´t finish on time... (but hey, I really didn´t feel good at all and there was just nooo way I could fight that flue! >Insert nervous laughter< ...)

It is not even a goal of mine to be a do-gooder. I like some of those vices and I would be bored if I lived based on a standard to be truly free from everything that´s considered a vice. Life is short, so let´s go have some fun, you guys. But I think it is important to work towards a form of living that is the most healthy and benefitial for us. Whatever makes you happy and doesn´t harm anyone else. So I do want to quit smoking for example, at the latest when I´ll be grown up (don´t raise your eyebrows, I can see that), and yes sure, I do try to eliminate all of those fears that are just rocks in my own way. But also, the main thing is to just be aware of all of them and let them be. Well some of them, some really just don´t...

Awareness gives you control back into your own hands. Right where it belongs.

So yes I will go to uni and finish up my studies instead of running away to some beachy country I´d rather be in, I will work my ass off to make some dimes instead of joining a commune and living an ostensible live free from social standards and I will not allow my mind trying to tell me what I should be afraid of or addicted to.

(And when that´s done, I WILL run not away but towards some beachy country, let me promise you that!)

seems like my glass just got poured with some wine, so I have to go enjoy that, totally free of course.

- Lots of Love to everyone

Maybe, Baby

Possibilities, possibilities...let go of all of them.

They are everywhere. Every person you meet is your potential new friend or lover. Every thing you see might be your potential new possession. Every place you hear of is your potential new destination. All those people could be your potential new friends and lovers. All those things you see could be your potential new possessions. All those places could be your potential new destinations. But really? It´s like there is too many trees to actually see the forest, right?

It´s an amazing gift for our generation (at least for us blessed kids living in 1^st world countries) to have almost all the opportunities out there in our hands. We can become anything we want, is it a lawyer, is it a carpenter, is it an artist? We can go everywhere we want to go to (time and money always can be managed if you really want to and are willing to work hard) …. In fact, so many doors are potentially possible to be opened, but with that gift and freedom comes a burden also- How to chose? How not to get lost in all those possibilities?

I know this sounds like a spoiled brat „oh my gaaawd I could have anything I want because money just totally is not a problem and I could go anywhere because, oh boy, who needs to go to university or have a job“ – Just to be clear: That´s totally not what I mean and it´s definatley not realistic nor true, but you guys are smart and know what I´m trying to say here, right?

Our grandparents had to fight for everything they wanted to become and/or have. Some of them even could not chose their significant other (I know many can´t today either but I´m talking 1^st world luxury problems here). 2-3 generations back, going to foreign countries or deciding on their dream job was a far away dream maybe, the problems they had were much more within reach and in front of them caused mainly by political circumstances. Us in contrast, we have to find our way through the jungle of possibilities and alleged options. Everything happens so quickly, doesn´t last long and is replaceable.

Isn´t it just easier to buy a new lamp instead of fixing it yourself? Isn´t it just easier to break up with your boy/girlfriend instead of working on the relationship and try harder to make it last? Isn´t it just easier to leave and go somewhere else?

I´m not saying I do any of those things and I´m not saying, I don´t. I`m just letting my mind flow and talk about something that definately is reality for many of us. Us, The 80ies and 90ies kids. The maybe-generation. (oh lord, the maybes are a totally different subject I´m not even getting started on it. Just eliminate ALL maybes. They are pure poison and leave you with nothing. Say yes and say no. that´s it!) Keep on dreaming though. Actually, keep all the maybes! Oh well. Maybe the maybes should be kept anyway, maybe. ha.

So I´m suggesting: Let go of all those possibilities and see whats actually in front of you and inside you. Anything in there? Hello?

When I was traveling for example, I got into this mode at some point close to the end of my journey, where I thought I wasn´t fulfilled and was looking for more. More stimulation, just more of anything, just something different... searching and searching, all those opportunities... Where to go and who to go with... I just wanted to leave this place and go somewhere else. Silly me. Because looking for something else on the outside must be changing everything inside, right? ;)

It drove me insane and at the end of the day I got humbled by the ocean and figured: Sometimes, actually most of the time, it´s better to not take all this too seriously because then you´re focusing on everything you COULD be and COULD have, instead of being aware of the reality and being right in this moment right in this place right in this state of mind. Truly present. Being present is a present. Words are funny.

That doens´t mean that we should not change something if it doens´t make us happy. Fucking break up with her/him if it´s not right, fucking leave if this place doesn´t give you what you need, fucking change your habits and point of views if you don´t like who you are. But don´t get carried away with all those potential options. Its like stock market. Its potentially there, but it actually is not real, its temptation, distracting you from right this moment you could actually enjoy and make the most of.

Pardon my french btw. Long story short: If it seems like there is too much of everything, limit it down and you will have more to yourself and to share!

A quote from one of my favorite films ever, “Mr. Nobody” (Jaret Leto please marry me and make me a dozen of babies):

“We cannot go back. That´s why it´s so hard to choose. As long as we don´t choose, everything remains possible.” Dear Mr. Nobody, you are damn right. But really, are you right though?

Amen. Shalom. Chill on lovers.

Minimalizing

When I returned to my appartement in Vienna, unpacking my things and putting all that stuff in order that I put away when I left 4 months ago (and when I say „all that stuff“ I really do mean a ridiculous amount of stuff), I was overwhelmed by all those belongings and possessions and also I got to the conclusion that I might have suffered from serious compulsive hoarding disorder. ;)

I was living out of a 60 liter backpack for quite some time and more than happy with it, there was nothing that I was even missing. When it comes down to it, I don´t really need anything, that´s one of the most humbling and freeing realizations I have had in a long time.
When I saw all those things (a million different make up utensils, tons of clothes that would probably be enough to dress a whole class room, a ridiculous amount of books, electronic devices and other things that were just taking up space and not even being used most of the time) I started asking myself:

„What value does each one of those things actually add to my life?“ - The answer to that was me giving up 4 sacks of clothes for donation, throwing everything out that was not functioning as a tool in any way or giving some sort of aestetic value.

Every possesion we have should serve a certain purpose and/or bring us joy. It´s that easy. Everything else has to go. It´s unbelievable how we hold on to things, because we are afraid to get rid of them. („I really need this or might need it sometime in the future“) I´m not even starting to get into the whole fear-of-loss thing but you know where this is going...

Fear is the antithesis to freedom. Holding on to things you think you need will actually turn into those things owning you. Minimalizing everything I own felt really good and I will start asking myself now more often „does this add value to my life?“, no matter if its that dress, that friendship/relationship or that chocolate bar. 

- a chocolate bar ALWAYS adds value to your life though, this is obviously just a rethorical question in that case. :)